Me & Seb vs Christmas Eve Napoleon Dynamite Hilarity

The house was full. My sister and I were relegated to my room. We hadn't watched Napoleon Dynamite that evening. I, in fact, hadn't seen it at all. Sleep evaded us. In the quiet of the night, Seb would cry out lines from it. I couldn't even picture how the movie could possibly work. That much random exists? I thought it impossible. Yet still, how I laughed. The voices, the laugher, the epic craziness, those are the funny moments that I love. I don't think sleep happened. I didn't mind. I'd trade sleep for fun times with Seb anytime. Good way to start Christmas Day. With joy.

Me vs Christmas Shoe Box Gifts

Guess what time of year this story's from? Nada? You may need some help. I suggest calling someone immediately. They were displayed in the Church Foyer. Nicely placed for all the people to see. In between the coat room and the entrance. Oh, the danger that they represent to me. These beautifully thought out presents, which were thankfully empty at the time of this incidence. Okay, back to the thick of it. I was standing innocently near the table, trying to be part of the wall (I do that sometimes okay, but I'm getting better). There were kids playing in the coat room. They knocked the boxes. They came at me in a hilarious manner. I caught some, turned red, then realized how it must have looked. Hilarious. I laughed. I'm laughing still.

Cashier Tales: The Mad (crazy, not angry) Bagger

This gentleman was on top of the game. Ready to face those groceries. Ready to pack 'em in. Too ready. So ready that he pre-packed... someone else's groceries! The store faux pas! Never touch another persons things more than you have too, especially true of food. The lady whom he packed (using his own from home bags), not too impressed. If they were the plastic grocery store bags, she could have taken them and run. Not so. Her lip was curled in disgust. He handled it pretty well, embarrassed as he was. People make me laugh.

Nieceamine vs You Again

Cashier Tales: Care Bear Countdown to YMCA

This one day, this today actually, I got caught doing the Care Bear Countdown by a customer. I'd been trying to get C to sing it with me, but she hadn't yet. Probably because at the end of the countdown I'd lift my arms (like they do - not in a crazy crazy way) and say BELLY. It works okay - the stare is from their belly power name patch thing. Watch the show if you don't believe me. Anyways, C would countdown, but not say BELLY. This time, she totally did, which made me not notice the customer who thought I was counting at her. The best part of it, when we did it again, the customer totally joined in. Epic-ly awesome older lady. One of my new favourites. Then she asked me to do 'YMCA' because she didn't believe I would. I did. What... I'm awesome okay.

Join in:
Care Bear Countdown 5--4--3--2--1--BELLY!!!

Me vs The Shoe Tying Doorman

So. I was like 20/21. I was working for the Government in a building downtown. I walked in one rainy-ish day. I always stopped in the entrance to get some hand sanitizer (I bused it okay, stop judging). Anyways, my shoe was untied. Obviously. I'm seriously just bending over to tie it when an older, like old old, security guy runs at me, bends down, and says he's got it. I managed to stop him just as he grabbed the laces. It was weird. It wasn't even like I'd looked at the laces for long. I wasn't holding anything that would have stopped me from tying them up myself. I even checked myself in the mirror afterwards to make sure I didn't put on a crazy outfit or something. It was hilarious. I called Seb right away to ask her if that kind of stuff ever happens to her - she laughed - and laughed - and laughed - and said no. I would say that it's because I'm the youngest person who works in the building, and that the ratio of his years to mine would regulate parenting, but this kind of stuff happens to me all of the time. People randomly pat me on the head when they meet me. Strangers, who are shorter than me --> that's just awkward. Plus, people younger than me call me their little sister. I must just look continually lost or something. Either way, the candy I get offered and the number of people who have tried to fix my hair, do make me laugh. Plus, it's kind of hard to change my crazy spots now. No stripes for me.

Miswordings: Nieceamine & I vs The World

Well, Nieceamine and I have a shared cinnamon jawbreaker addiction. We love them. They're so tasty. While preparing for a family getaway we smarted it up and stocked up on these 'the amazing' candies. It went horribly, horribly wrong. We put them in a container and carried them everywhere. We were happy. They, presumably, were happy. Then we went on a boat ride. The container was knocked about. It opened. They rolled everywhere. They rolled into places where no candy, no anything, should ever roll. They rolled down a persons pants. They hit a persons behind! Ew. That's not the funny part, well at least not the really funny part. Nieceamine & I were crushed. We physically reacted. My Mom, seeing our heartbreak and with only good intentions, started picking them up and putting them back into the container! The bum jawbreakers were combined with the few safe ones we had left! Again, we responded fiercely to this further pain. My Mom got impatient with us, said 'who even cares', and shook the container to mix 'em all together. Even if she hadn't done so they were obviously garbage, but why the added pain... why?  We wanted to throw the whole container out, but were asked not to litter in the lake. It wasn't with the intention to litter though, it was with absolute panic and the need to distance ourselves from the destroyed candy. Oh dear, those were some sad times.

Apparently cinnamon jawbreakers have to fight against a bum reputation, because the next time we had them this happened:

Nieceamine: I want to go get some cinnamon balls.

Nenners: WHAT?

Me: Cinnamon balls

Nenners: WHAT?

...she kept hearing 'semen balls'... awkward...

Miswordings: Lee vs The Cookie

Lee: I brought my cookie baller

Everyone else: That just sounds wrong.

Lee: Have you ever tried a Swiss Boobie?

Me: WHAT?

Lee: A Swiss Boobie? (Showing me the recipe for Spitzbuebe Cookies)

... it is hard to say... still... I just wouldn't try to say it in public...

I <3 Lee

Dad & The Pizza Belly Dance / Attack

My Mom & Lee Jr. - She's going to hurt me...

Nieceamine

Frannie

Sunshine

Mister Chuckles

Nougat

Mr. Si

Lee Jr.

Like a weight...

Nieceamine: 'I wonder how many calories I am?'

... I never want to know... ever...

Claws?

Lee jr.: I picked my skin off with my sharp claws
Me: Ummm. Fingernails sweetie

... they sound so creepy as claws

Miswordings: Mom & Dad vs The World & Graceland (in particular)

Zhu Zhu pets. They can cause so many problems. My Mom just couldn't say their names right. Not even once. She had been trying to find them as a Christmas present for Lee Jr. for ages, so she constantly had to try. I love my Mom. She just couldn't say the same thing twice. Literally, she could usually say either the first 'zhu' or the last 'zhu', but then she'd put in a whole different word. Two of the common strings she'd put together were these bad slang words. It was horrible. Anyways, she finally buys them and we're nearing the end of the Zhu Zhu craze. She and I were cleaning up the kitchen and I was teasing her a bit (What? It was funny). My Dad, who's watching TV in the adjoining room, decides to call and book for a Graceland vacation. There's a one day sale and you just give them the code word and save big. Yep, you follow. He'd definitely heard the word around enough. He gave it as the code. I almost pied my pants. Honestly, my Dad (I love him) has absolutely no capacity for mistakes. He doesn't laugh when we tell him our funny stories, which are really funny, and even better in person. He just doesn't let himself make mistakes, you know? He went on like nothing had happened. My Mom (My Mom!) fell to the ground laughing with me! Oh, it was so funny. We couldn't stop. I think I was down for like 10 minutes. And, he hung up the phone and said absolutely nothing about it. No acknowledgement whatsoever. He missed out - it's a great funny story.

Them, months and months later, on vacation!

Miswordings: 'Who' vs Cookies

'who': Santa poop cookies?

... Santa pops... it's even more funny because it's chocolate on a stick... I have problems...

Origin of Nicknames & Miswordings: Limabean vs Me

Me: "Yeah, I have twelve of their (Veggietales) movies."
Limabean: (who was in a full out conversation with someone else) (and who is now looking at me strangely) (and grabbed my arm in a seriously funny manner): "What did you say?"
Me: "What is it that you think I said?"
Limabean (whispering in my ear, with a shocked quiet voice): "That you had twelve year old boobies..."
Me: "Um. No. Not at all."
... uncontrollable laughter ensues...

P.S. This story is why I call her Limabean. I've never eaten one, but I think they're the funniest of the Veggietales cast. And this girl is just both awesomely hilarious and hilariously awesome. I love her, even though I have no clue why (hahaha... said the awkward way that she taught me). She's a cool one.

'who' recipes

'who': 'You asked for my favourite recipe. The only one I have is beef stin'.

...whahaha... beef stew...

Kae vs The Walls

Kae comes to visit and starts looking at some corners of the walls of the house. Then she starts talking about how they'd be nice as circle walls. I knew she was talking about curved walls, but I couldn't stop thinking about her being trapped in a circle wall. I laughed. I didn't mean to, but I did. Plus, it still makes me laugh so I can't really be feeling all that bad. I love her. She makes me smile.

Dad vs The Pants

Chilling with my Mom, when all of a sudden my Dad walks in. He starts talking about how his pants are too tight. He's telling my Mom to put him on a diet. Suddenly my Mom startles and exclaims, 'HEY. Those are my pants!' He ran upstairs pretty quick, but my Mom and I absolutely lost it. I've only ever seen her laugh that much one other time. Oh parentals, how I love you.

My serious Father (he can still do his work face):

My not-so serious Daddio:

Dragon Beaver & Intimidating Blankets

Quite some time ago, me and 'who' were feeling stupid movie nostalgic. We decided to put on Teen Wolf. I will never see it again, but it definitely served a humour purpose. We get to the end... talking pretty much the entire time... and we finally make it to like the last scene. So, I look up and see a guy standing under a basket. Doing nothing. I asked what was happening and 'who' turned to me, looked at me like I was ridiculous, and then slowly (as if I wouldn't be able to understand normal speed), with a serious tone said, 'He's intimidating him from under the blanket'. I fell down laughing. She was so serious and then flub time cometh! We laughed and then the flubs just got worse. Spurned on by increasing levels of hyperness, I started talking about the transformation from boy to dragon beaver. Yep. No teen wolf talk for me. We both tried to think that one through, but couldn't figure out how I made the leap from 'teen wolf' to 'dragon beaver'. Oh, the mysterious brain.

Nenners vs The Chair (but really vs sleep)

We were hanging out one night, watching a show, when Nenners got very very tired. She kept saying she was good, but not so. We talked about being careful getting up, but that didn't help. She fell the SLOWEST I have ever seen (I've fallen slow too, but I didn't see it - 'nother time)! It was awesome. We laughed for a long time. Longer than we should have - she got more sleepy as the laughter continued. She then slept and regained her natural, non-clumsiness. That doesn't work for me, but it does mean more stories for you.

The Reason I HATE Milk

Sure, supposedly it's nutritious and good for you, but I'm never going to like it. This is why. I was a mere bottle-drinking baby when Lee babysat for one of my closest baby friends. Em was younger than me see, and she'd already put aside the bottle. Lee, out of what I can only call competitiveness, decided that I needed to be weaned off of my own. Maybe if she'd have read a book or have, you know, been patient, things would have turned out differently. Her impatience propelled her into taking drastic actions. She prepared a bottle for me and with good intentions gave it to me. I drank it. Why wouldn't I have? I didn't have trust issues at that point. She'd filled it with 100% (100%!) PURE LEMON JUICE!!! Ouch. Kind of explains the whole 'I only drink water' thing, doesn't it? My Mom still talks about it - she didn't know what had happened until recently. She used to look at me and say 'I just don't get it. You loved milk, but as soon as we put it in a glass you hated it'. True Mom, true.

Seb vs the SLOWLY moving car!

So, I was hanging with Seb, watching a show on the telly (kiwi chatter). I was innocently eating supper when the hilarious happened. A black car passed slowly by the house. Seb was facing me, with her back to the window. She caught a side view of the car. What happened next was epic. She jumped from a sitting position up into the air, stayed there for what seemed a ridiculous length of time, then landed back in the chair. Throughout that experience, she was screaming her head off. She thought the black car was a person dressed in burglar black, slowly creeping really closely past the house. It was mid-afternoon. I'd always thought I was above squirting a beverage out of nose, this proved me wrong. I was misfortunate enough to have just gulped some water just before it happened. It was not pretty. Seb agreed. I think we laughed and cried for like an hour. I can still see it in my head. I loved it. I love Seb.

History of 'The Book of Flubs'

SO. I'm a little horrible at background things. I just thought of the fact that people might have questions about the origins of this epic randomness. Well, it all started when my dear cousin 'Who' moved to Ottawa. Being that our family talks like the 'Gilmore Girls' when we get together (really really fast and all at once), we soon discovered the mistakes that can occur when doing so. They were hilarious. They were perfectly awesome. So, I started documenting them. I bought this little blue composition book, it was pretty, and it looked like it was for someone learning how to write. I decided to name it 'The Book of Flubs', familiar yes? But no, it was more than that. In telling 'Who' its name, we got our first entry. She called it 'The Book of Flibs'. It was set in stone. It was set in my heart, which is why I had to go back to the original name (plus blue) in this blog. I loved that book. We collected and narrated many a story, but sadly, I made a judgement error. I'm going to make it again right now. I put my Mom in the blue book (our affectionate nickname for it - please use it in relation to this blog) - I know - how could I? I had too. It wasn't bad or anything - in fact, compared to our large and ridiculous stories, it was tame, it was little. Who knew that it could cause so much trouble? Not us. My Mom had been trying to think of a birthday present for my Dad. She was thinking about a subscription to a golf magazine. When she told it to us she said she was going to get him a 'golf prescription'. See - little is it not? It was funny - not so much the mistake - but the image it put in my head. I just kept seeing a white coated Doctor touching his face saying 'Hmmm. So you say you work too hard, eh? Want to relax? I've got just the thing for you'. FUNNY! 'The Book of Flibs' disappeared a week and a half later. She's good. She waited it out to put aside suspicion. Smart lady that Mom of mine. But! She can't throw anything away, so one day, one amazing day, 'The Book of Flibs' will surface, full of its lost stories, aching for new ones. That's it, that's all.

P.S. Don't worry - my Mom can't get rid of this one. It's on the computer. It's password protected. It's out of her reach. Whahahaha!

Color Coordination

So... you know how I said I don't really notice my surroundings? Here's another piece of the puzzle that proves that truth: I have to really, like really, try to remember to look at myself in a mirror and at the kinds of clothes I put on in the morning. I think it may have something to do with having gone to three different schools that had uniforms. They took all of the work out of getting ready in the morning. It probably still has something to do with the whole 'personality/not noticing' issue as well. Moving right along. I was getting ready for a government work and university combo day. Fun times. I was halfway out the door when my Mom came at me with a book I'd forgotten. She does notice things. Thankfully, she gave me a once-over (with skill because I didn't see her do it at all), and called my attention to my shoes. She didn't do that quietly. She did it with a disbelieving, rather astonished, and a little bit of scared in her voice. I was going through a bowler shoe phase - I had the best ones ever. For real. Two pairs. That's right, you've got it now. I wore one of each pair. One was red and one was brown. It was bad. The worst part, they weren't really that much the same.

If you see me mismatched, know that its not intentional - I'm not one of those cool 'I can wear two different things' kind of person - stop and fix me. For the sake of others.

Directionally Challenged: Intro.

I am directionally challenged. So much so, that if you took me a few blocks away from where I live, in a car, able to see, I wouldn't be able to find my way back. I just don't notice my surroundings. Sometimes I try. Mostly I fail. I start thinking about other things. I love GPSs - they are amazing. My parents almost got me one for Christmas in grade twelve. It was hilarious - I didn't have a car then and I don't have one now, but they still seriously considered it. The best part, it was a car and personal GPS system, so that I could use it while walking. The reason my Mom gave me was that it scared her to think of me walking around lost. It could have happened anywhere. It has happened everywhere. I have 'getting lost in a different country' stories. But, those are to come...

Me vs The Blue Bomb

I was little. I was awesome. I was walking with Nenners and Waywin. I was encompassed in a large snowsuit. I could not see. I was running with childlike abandon. I was joyful. I was clumsy. I ran smack into my parents car. I was distraught. I was offended. I voiced that offense with a lisp and a little bit of my own language. I cried out, 'Waywin! Da boo bom hit me. Da boo bom hit me'. I don't think I liked that car or even that snowsuit ever again.

Me vs Water

It always wins. I'm not even talking about like a body of water! I'm talking about water that can be contained in a glass! I spill all the time! I used to spill all the way up the stairs heading off to bed and now I spill all the way down the stairs. I have a problem. I also spill while attempting to drink - I say attempting because spilling is considered failing. It's actually a good thing that I only drink water (did I mention that I'm weird? I am.), because at least its clear and fast drying. I also fail with dish water - I don't know how I get soaked, but it happens... continually. Just throwing some random facts at you. Don't give me water! Do. It helps us to live. You want to keep reading this, right? Come on, you can learn from my mistakes and become a better person ;)

Intro. Bring on the FUNNIES!

I like to laugh. Who doesn't? I think it's really important, especially as a Christian. You can't know God and not express joy in Him. Plus, sometimes we just need to laugh; At random things, at different situations, at purely hilarious moments, but mostly, I think we need to laugh at ourselves. I'm pushed to grow in Christ continually and I'll make mistakes along the way - I'll work to fix 'em as they come up, but I'll laugh too. That's why these are mostly my funny things. And although I love many different stories, the ones depicted here are ones I've been around. I'll code name people for their sakes and for mine... I would be hurt quite badly if some of these got out. Worth the risk, though. By the way, I think real laughter is pure and by that I mean that real humor is joy. It's not the crude or unkind thing depicted in our world. It's more. That said, this blog will have almost no order - it encompasses 24 years worth of moments and stories - so be warned and go forth.